The Iliad according to Anime
by DarkMaidenEast
Summary: Basically the Iliad redone with characters from Yu-Gi-Oh. Rather amusing, actually, especially the duel monsters as Greek Gods. Te-he. I like to mess with classical literature. Sense of the ridiculous recommended .
1. Marie's Dilemma

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The Iliad according to Anime

Disclaimer: I own neither the basic plot nor the characters to this . . . . Kinda makes you wonder why I bother, huh? Well, it's fairly amusing, and hopefully fans of Greek mythology will enjoy, so read. Yay.

Marie, called the Fallen One for misdeeds both varied and sundry, was pissed off royally. Yet another duelists tournament and she wasn't invited. _All _the other monsters were having the time of their eternities, and she was stuck downing watery martinis at the Olympus Bar.

She examined a possibly rotted olive, decided against it, and dropped it back into the glass, swirling the dingy liquor around and around and around.

A token sympathetic bartender appeared out of nowhere, shaker in hand. "Something bothering you?" he asked.

"No. That's why I'm all alone," Marie snapped. She scowled at her martini glass. "Don't you put any real vodka in that horse piss?"

"Not a lot, no," the bartender --whose name happened to be Larry for no real reason other than it's a funny name-- admitted. "But most people are so wasted by the time they get here it doesn't matter."

"Well that's a cheap shot."

"No, the shots are quite good, actually. Want one?" Larry reached for a bottle.

Marie rolled her eyes expressively. "What would drinking help? I can't get drunk, I'm friggin' immortal."

"Oh! A god?" Larry smiled.

[Editor's note: Nononononononono! Not God, Duel Monster! Monster, you insufferable imbecile! Gaaa! You'll be the death of me, Larry! Or maybe . . . .]

"Oh! A duel monster?" Larry smiled.

"What gave it away?" the sarcasm in Marie's voice was almost palpable as she leant her jet blue-black chin in her hand, smoothing her nightgown and swinging her legs encased in shoes that tied up her calf. Her wings flapped slowly back and forth a few times. As was previously stated, Larry's a bit slow on the uptake. Or any take, for that matter.

"So what problem could there possibly be that you can't handle?" the unfortunate barkeep asked.

"Well, right now, how to kill you with the least possible effort and mess." Marie sent him a sugary smile.

"Uuunhhh . . ."

"Fine. All the other monsters are at the tournament, and I wasn't invited. I'm plotting a nefarious scheme in revenge."

Larry, after scratching his head and looking "nefarious" up in a dictionary, rested his elbows on the bar and returned with a dazzling grin of his own.

Marie perked up a little. He may have the average intelligence of a cockroach, but he _was_ hot. She ran a hand through her shiny blonde hair and raised her eyebrows expectantly. "Have any bright ideas?"

"Yuh-huh. Why don't you turn the others against each other?"

Marie's smile grew. "Yes. I like it. Utter chaos and destruction, my calling cards, visited upon those who counted themselves my friends. I know! I'll chuck a real pretty blank duel card, super shiny, into the tournament for the most powerful. They'll rip each other's throats out vying for it!"

"Power is too easy to decide. How about "For the Fairest." That's totally objective."

Marie clasped her hands evilly. "Larry," she said, examining the name on his tag. "Larry, my friend, I think I love you."

Okay, so maybe I'm playing a bit fast and loose with the Iliad, and maybe Homer doesn't start with the Judgment of Paris . . . er . . . random Yu-Gi-Oh character, but oh well. Any staunch lover of Ancient Greek poetry and prose shouldn't be reading a parody anyway so ha! I win! Yay! (does a little jig) Oooh . . . dizzy from jig . . . . more later, please review, bye!


	2. The Judgement of JeanClaude

Chapter two! Yay!

Um, sorry it took so long for me to get around to this, but I'm a procrastinator. Oops.

And, because I didn't do this before, here's a character list:

OOO

Gods/Goddesses (Duel Monsters .):

Eris: Marie the Fallen One

Athena: Harpy Lady

Hera: Unfriendly Amazon

Apollo: Not sure yet, I'll let you know when I come up with one

Aphrodite: Mystical Elf

Ares: Strike Ninja

Poseidon: Dark Magician

Zeus: Exodia

OOO

Others:

Greek:

Menelaus: Joey

Agamemnon: Duke Devlin

Achilles: Yami Yugi (waaaaay better than Brad Pitt. Heh.)

Patroclus: Tristan

Helen: Mai

Odysseus: Pegasus

Trojan:

Hector: Seto Kaiba

Priam: Marik Ishtar

Paris: Jean-Claude

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Down at the tournament, Harpy Lady, Unfriendly Amazon, and Mystical Elf were glaring at each other. Unfriendly Amazon had a blank Duel Monsters card in her hand, and the others wanted it. Badly.

Exodia finally realized what was going on, and approached them cautiously. "Um, Unfriendly Amazon dear, why don't you give _me_ that card now."

Harpy Lady threw him a disdainful glance. "Because you're hideous," she said simply. "I deserve it."

Exodia sighed. He hated disturbance, especially when it involved his wife (who regularly beat the crap out of him, at least in intelligence) and he had an idea. "Why don't we let someone else decide who's the fairest. Like, um," he paused, racking his rather small brain. "That actor, Jean-Claude. He's supposedly an excellent judge of beauty."

The three women exchanged glances. "All right," Unfriendly Amazon said. "Find us this Jean-Claude, and we'll take his word as final."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Jean-Claude was examining what could just possibly be a slight blemish on his chin and deciding which brand of cover-up to take care of it with, when the three duel monsters in question appeared in his trailer on the set of his newest movie. He screamed (rather like a girl) and moved to push the security button on the wall next to his mirror.

"I wouldn't, were I you." Harpy Lady smiled wickedly, flexing fingers ending in very long, very sharp, nails.

Mystical Elf stepped forward, smiling vaguely. "We need you to be the judge of something," she said.

[Editor's note: for the sake of the story, Mystical Elf can speak English. That mumbly stuff just isn't gonna cut it, y'know?]

"Um, okay," Jean-Claude tried not to sweat. It clogged his pores. "What am I judging?"

The monsters exchanged glances. "You have to choose the best offer," Harpy Lady said. "I'm prepared to make you the champion duelist, the best in the world, and no one will ever be able to beat you."

Unfriendly Amazon pushed her out of the way. "Ha!" she scoffed. "A card game! I shall grant you dominion over all the earth! And," she smirked at Harpy Lady. "No one could usurp your throne."

Mystical Elf cleared her throat daintily. "Ah, but I, dear Jean-Claude, offer not mere fame or fortune, which are trouble and can never bring true happiness, but love. I can secure for you the love of the most beautiful woman in the world."

Jean-Claude looked from monster to monster, unsure. He really did not have that much interest in Duel Monsters, and ruling the world seemed rather a daunting task for someone really quite lazy, but love . . . . "I choose love," he said. "Now make good your promise."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Mai Wheeler (née Valentine) looked up as her husband Joey entered the room. "Hey," she said. "What's up?"

Joey frowned slightly. "Do we know a Jean-Claude?" he asked. "I just got a phone call from him. He says he's in town and wouldn't it be great if we could get together. I don't get it."

"Hmm. Oh, yes! We met him on that cruise, or something. No wait, that was before I met you. I don't think you two really know each other."

"Oh. Do we want him over for dinner? He sounded kinda fruity on the 'phone, if ya know what I mean."

Mai smiled. "Not fruity, just . . . sort of _British_."

"Same difference," Joey muttered. "Eh, whatever. I'll call him back an' tell him dinner's on for tomorrow, 'kay?"

"Sure," Mai paused. "I wonder what kind of take-out he'd like . . . ."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"Mai! Darling!" Jean-Claude swept his surprised hostess into a hug, pecking her on both cheeks.

"Jean-Claude, how are you," she pulled away.

"Wonderful, simply wonderful. And Joey! How _wonderful_ to meet you!"

"Okay, there," Joey stuck his hand out as Jean-Claude moved in for the hug. "What is he, French?" he muttered to Mai.

"Shh!" she suppressed a giggle. "So Jean, what do you like: Chinese, sushi, pizza, what?"

"Ah, anything, my dear, anything." He beamed, showing an astonishing amount of snow white teeth.

"I'll go order then, 'kay Mai?" Joey escaped into the kitchen before bursting out laughing. Man, Mai knew some messed up people. He picked up the phone, placing orders at three different take-out places. "Number 16?" he asked finally. "Twenty minutes, gotcha. See ya later, Mr. Takahashi!"

He started to walk back into the living room and stopped, glancing back at the phone. He picked it up, dialing a number and drumming his fingers on the counter as he waited for it to be picked up.

"Hello?" said a voice.

"Hey Duke!" Joey grinned.

"Joey! Hey, how are you? How's Mai?"

"We're great. Actually, I wanna know if you're interested in comin' over for dinner?"

"Well, I'm not busy . . . wait. Who else is there?" Duke sounded suspicious.

"Nobody! Except, well, this weird guy Mai knew awhile ago, an' I think she'd be glad if there was somebody else ta share the weirdo load, if ya know what I mean?"

Duke laughed. "Anything for a friend!"

Joey put down the phone with a grin, and came back into the living room. "Hey Mai, is it okay if Duke comes over for dinner too? His oven exploded or somethin' like that, an' he's not supposed to be in his house fer a while.

Mai smiled too. "Yeah. That'd be nice Joey. Duke's always welcome here."

OOOOOOOOOOOO

Jean-Claude was only slightly put-out when Duke arrived, and rather more so when he entered the room. People prettier than him always made Jean-Claude a little nervous, and Duke was undeniably pretty. So was Joey, for that matter, and Jean-Claude found himself wishing for the whole thing to be over as soon as possible.

The party soon finished the food Joey's restauranteur friends had supplied, and Jean-Claude stood. "Mai, darling, let me help you in the kitchen."

Her eyebrows rose just a fraction of an inch. Mai spent as little time as possible in the kitchen, and what cooking was done in the house was done by Joey. "Okay," she said, deciding the path of least resistance would be to simply let him think she had any idea how to cook.

"So Mai, where's your dishwasher?" Jean-Claude shot her another of his dazzling smiles.

Mai blinked, and looked around. "Um . . . I think it's this one . . . never mind. That's the garbage disposal. Er . . . Joey really deals with the kitchen, I-"

"That's wonderful," Jean-Claude cut her off. "I never _dreamed_ Joey was so in touch with his feminine side!"

"Yeah, in touch with your feminine side is good, but at least he's not effeminate. I mean, I know guys who have a stricter cosmetic regime than I do. This one guy has three different moisturizers. Now _that_ is a bit much, don't you agree?"

"Er, yes, of course." Jean-Claude flushed under his layer of foundation. He used four moisturizers.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Mai rolled over onto her back and tapped Joey on the shoulder. He groaned. "Joey, hey, Joey, you awake?"

"I am now," he mumbled, sitting up and glancing at the clock on his nightstand. "Ugh, Mai, it's four in the morning! What do you want?"

"How exactly did we end up inviting Jean-Claude to spend the night?"

Joey flopped back onto his pillow. "I don't know. Go back to sleep, Mai, I'm really tired, and I thought you were too."

"Yeah. Well, g'night, Joey."

"'Night, Mai."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Duke rolled over, enjoying the last few minutes before he'd have to wake up officially. He pulled his blankets up over him, burrowing into them comfortably.

There was a knock on the door.

"Uhnn . . ." he sat up. "Go away!" he called.

Another knock, louder this time.

Grumbling something inappropriate for print, duke stood, sliding his feet into the slippers at the side of his bed and walking to the door, blankets still clutched around him. "What is it?"

Joey darted inside as soon as Duke had opened the door. "You remember that guy we had dinner with last night?" he asked.

"The British one?" Duke was sorting out memories from the haze of a slight hangover. He'd never been a morning person. "Um . . . John Paul or something, right?"

"Jean-Claude," Joey corrected automatically. "Well, he's kidnaped Mai." alliteration


	3. The plot begins to thicken

Hello all! Wow, I'm so bad at keeping up with posting this stuff. I'm really really sorry. Well, enjoy!

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Duke blinked slowly. "Huh?"

Joey groaned. He reached out and, grabbing Duke by the blanket-front, shook him. "Jean . . . Claude . . . abducted . . . my . . . wife!" he said, slowly and carefully.

Duke pulled away. "What? Wait, you mean, like, really?"

"Yes!"

"Oh." Duke paused for a moment. "Uh, want some coffee?"

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Joey sat hunched over a cup of black Turkish coffee so strong you could stand a spoon up in it and watched Duke mangle eggs. "What exactly are ya tryin' ta make?" he asked finally.

"Omelet," Duke turned around. "Why?"

"Well, omelets aren't generally flaming."

"What?" Duke spun back to face the stove. "Damn!" he swatted at the flames leaping out of the pan with a potholder, igniting it, and threw that into the water-filled sink, where it fizzled gently.

"I'm guessing ya weren't allowed to play with matches as a child?" Joey said dryly.

"Yeah, ha ha. But my cooking skills-"

"Or lack thereof."

"Or la- hey! Look, the point is that's not the issue. Are you absolutely certain Mai's with this . . . whatever his name is? She's not just out shopping or something?"

"Duke, she left the purse with her credit cards. That means either she didn't wanna go out, or she was fingurin' on somebody else footin' whatever bills came along. I know she's wit Jean-Claude, an' considerin' she hates his weasely little slimy girly-man guts . . . ."

"I get the picture." Duke stirred his own coffee thoughtfully, putting considerable strain on his spoon. "Wow. Well, I have to say I didn't see it coming . . . . I mean, he really didn't strike me as the kind of guy who'd take a risk like that. Did you notice he was wearing makeup?"

"Yeah. Mai pointed it out. But look, Duke, whaddam I gonna do? I can't go ta the police, I've got no evidence except that they're both gone." Joey's head sank into his hands. "I'm so confused . . . ."

"Aren't we all." Duke began clearing the table, adding to the pile of dirty dishes he knew he wasn't going to get around to cleaning. "Maybe there's a way we can . . . check up on our poncy-little-nancy-boy. He's gotta have paparazzi, and they've gotta have websites, so if he's been seen around with a drop-dead-gorgeous blonde we'll find out. Mai's not the type to be ignored."

"Yeah," Joey lifted his head. "You gonna check out those websites then? Cuz computers really really hate me."

Duke laughed. "Yeah, I'll grab my laptop. Go on into the living room. I'll be right there."

"'Kay." Joey plopped down on a battered old leather sofa and put his feet up on the coffee table, sending a pile of old newspapers and magazines cascading onto the floor. "Oops." He removed his feet quickly, and shoved the worst of the mess under the sofa.

Duke came back, computer in hand. "Okay, time for gossip . . ." He opened a search engine and soon came up with a website that promised "every deliciously sordid detail of Daytime Emmy and MTV Viewer's Choice nomine actor Jean-Claude's luscious love life."

"Someone had way too much fun with alliteration, there . . ." Duke muttered, navagating the website's brilliantly purple background and photos of Jean-Claude beaming for the cameras. A few even had a little gleam photoshopped in on his front teeth.

"Ah-hah! Candids. This is what we want."

Joey grabbed the laptop away from Duke. "Buxom blonde seen boarding plane with Jean-Claude. Could this be his newest flame?" he read. "What? That, I, he, wha- aargh!" he slammed the computer back onto Duke's lap and jumped up, pacing back and forth angrily.

"Owww . . ." Duke removed the offending object. "Watch where you're throwing next time, will you? I would like to have kids someday, you know."

"Oh. Sorry. But did you read that? They, he, d-do they know she's _married_?"

Duke sighed. "Her ring's not on in the photo."

"WHAT?"

"Woah! Calm, boy. Wouldn't you have her take of the ring if you were Jean-Claude? He's not as dumb as we thought, I think. Er . . . that is unless someone's helping him."

"Duke, we need to get her back! You gotta help me!" Joey flopped back onto the sofa. "I just don't know what to do."

"Well, we've gotta follow him. It won't be hard to find out where he lives . . . there are so many fansites devoted to that kind of information out there. I think we may need a little help though."

"From?"

"Well, I hate to say this, but Yugi."

"The little twitty one?"

"No! The Pharoah. Give me a little credit."

"Oh, right. Yeah, he's a good man to have around in a crisis. Besides, he owes me a favor." Joey stood. "Let's go."

"Just a second, Joey. We don't want to act rashly, now do we?"


End file.
